My lesson in boundaries and attachment styles

Something I realized about boundaries recently is that its a form of self love. and not the kind of self love that you’re thinking because if you’ve ever had to set a boundary with someone, it’s not easy, its uncomfortable and they don’t always receive it gracefully. But what I learned recently was when you set the boundary, you’re prioritizing yourself and your worth at the highest level, and putting yourself first IS self love. It’s not bubble baths and sweet treats, those are self care. There is a difference and a very important difference between the two.

As someone who would be on the more avoidant side of attachment style, confrontation terrifies me. If you’re more on the avoidant side you understand that it feels like if I initiate a confrontational conversation, my fear is that I’m causing the end of a relationship. But what I’ve learned from my current relationship and also my long term friendships is that when you have the uncomfortable conversation with someone and set a boundary, if they really care about you, they’re usually willing to listen to you and work it out. This shows the nervous system safety in disagreement and actually does the opposite of the fear of losing the relationship, it makes it stronger, more connected and safer feeling.

Now I’m not an attachment style pro, but I do find the attachment theories fascinating and I know enough about my own style to mention. (If you want a good video to watch drop a comment and I’ll share my favorite one with you.)

In a recent conversation with my friend of 22 years, she told me about what it’s like to be on the receiving end of someone who is avoidant when it comes to conflict, disagreement or boundaries and she said it feels like if they conversation doesn’t happen, the relationship will end. Surprising? Not really, its the flip side of the coin, or anxious attachment style. Interestingly enough these two styles always attract one another, in order to learn to come to healthy attachment and meet in the middle.

This is just another way to see how relationships, romantic and not, are mirrors. They’re designed to help us grow and push us to our limits of discomfort so we can expand and reach higher levels of consciousness.

At the root of most of these mirroring experiences, or what I’ve learned to call, reflections, are self image and self love levels being low. Your higher self wants you to have high self image, which means viewing yourself as perfect, unique and special across all 8 areas of life, and high self love, which is putting yourself first across all 8 areas of life.

You could be doing great in 5 areas but not so great in the other 3 and you’re going to have reflective experiences to show you where you’re not viewing yourself as perfect, or putting yourself first.

I am working on boosting both of these areas currently, and it’s no easy feat. But I’ve noticed that with working and growing 1% every day, it begins to add up and I’m now experiencing more positive reflections, like job offers, compliments in public and aligned friendships.

All of this to say, boundaries are more than just teaching someone how to treat you. It’s the deep innate remembering that you treat yourself that way and view yourself highly and the others will mirror that back to you.